Put simply, babies are experts in attacking their parents from day dot. Mums in particular seem to bear the brunt of their aggression, having their appetites, energy levels, bladders and stomach muscles used and abused before we’ve even met them. But, like vampires, we invited them in so really can’t complain. They were just doing their thing and we were generally, pretty happy to accommodate.
As newborns, the attacks may become less direct, but are still at large. Their marks can be clearly evidenced under and around the eyes of all new parents – again, Mums especially. Continue reading
Today you screamed and shouted until I sat you on my knee
I only wanted to use the toilet, by myself, for 40 seconds
I think you expect me to ignore my basic bodily functions
It’s quite hard to wee with a climbing 1 year old attached, by the way
Well, as long as you’re happy, I told you
The look you gave me said, obviously. Continue reading
The name’s Mouse, Danger Mouse
I was terrified of the day my baby would start crawling. Our house which, prior to having a baby, seemed a perfectly reasonable place to reside, now resembled a Field of Danger and Bad Things, and I couldn’t imagine any other way of keeping him safe than camping out in the garden.
I responsibly consulted my baby book, nearly fainted with shock and anxiety at just how lethal the average home appeared to be, tried to throw away our plants (poisonous, who knew?), was told by my husband to calm the hell down, so instead hid the bleach, bought a couple of stair gates, and crossed my fingers. Continue reading