Go to bed; don’t pretend you don’t want to.
OK, I will go. I hope the baby sleeps tonight, he drank all his milk, the temperature is right and I said a prayer. I bet he will sleep. I’ll just do some reading.
GET THE HELL TO BED
Already? Throw me a bone here, baby.
Calm down, it’s just your light sleep rage. Your body can’t handle a 90 minute interruption, or something. Shush, pat – see, he’s back asleep. It’s fine.
Alright, it is fine for now, please be fine
Ooh, I’ve had 3.5 interrupted hours, that’s not so bad.
What? It is terrible, you loser. Not bad if your baby was aged one month, not 15. Soothe, pat, soothe, pat. I am so bored of being so tired.
Awe, isn’t he lovely though?
Yes, he is, but I can appreciate him just as much in the morning.
Creep back, retreat slowly, slowly. CREAK! He’s awake.
DAMN YOU FLOORBOARD! Why? Why? Why? Pick up, snuggle, sigh, happy, sleepy.
This is such a nice cuddle. How do you fix creaking floorboards anyway? You know what, it’s not so bad being up in the middle of the night, it’s not for long and I will probably miss it when it’s gone. Holding him is so beautiful.
Don’t be a doughnut; of course you won’t miss getting barely any uninterrupted sleep. Why is he still in your arms?
Alright, he’s down. Shush, pat, hand on back, eyes closed, breathing has changed, YES! Just one more minute and he’ll be gone. Oh no, my nose is itching.
Do NOT scratch your nose.
It’s really itchy. I can wait though, I have ultimate discipline. Nothing is as important as keeping my hand on this infant back and continuing to shush. Oh God it’s really itchy. Seriously, I don’t think I can wait.
You must wait! WAIT!
I’ll just have a really quick scratch but carry on shushing. He won’t even notice… Ahhhh that feels good.
YOU ARE SO WEAK.
He noticed – he is sitting up. Oh pants.
Now look! You have no patience.
I had no choice!
You have wasted the last 10 minutes, and possibly ruined your chance at three more hours sleep. Have you learnt nothing in the last year? What is the matter with you?
Relax will you, I just need to repeat and repeat… and ignore my aching back and bursting bladder. Nearly, nearly, nearly, sort of nearly, nearly, nearly – asleep! Victory!
Oh wonderful, awake again. Right, cuddles are beautiful in the day too; I’d definitely rather stick to those.
Is he asleep? He’s gone back to sleep? I was just coming to terms with getting up and he’s gone back to sleep!
Oh thank Christ as I am actually on the verge of fainting with tiredness and my body is beginning to crumble from the effects of middle of the night rocks with a two-stoner. Retreat, retreat, retreat, Ahhhhhh.
OK, he is clapping. The day has begun.
It is OK, he will sleep tonight. I bet he will sleep tonight.
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