Sometimes We Lose Things

Comments 40 Standard
Image by Stuart Rodgers

Image by Stuart Rodgers http://instagram.com/rodgersstuart

I hold my son a little tighter tonight; stroke his head once more than needed. I breathe his sleepy sighs and inhale his whispered Mama. He makes my heart hurt a little less; I am so thankful for him.

Recently, like too many others, we lost something. And I really don’t know how I should be now, what I should do. I don’t know if this is private; if I should explain my absences and cancelled plans with vague excuses of flu and a packed schedule. Or if I should admit that something big and sad has happened, and that I’m not okay at the moment.

I know that these things happen every day; but not to me, not to you. When they do, they change you, change your life – or at least the life you thought you were going to have and who you were going to have it with.

I suppose all that we can do is let ourselves acknowledge what we have lost, who our family might have been and that something that was part of us has gone. Maybe that is all we need, that and to hold each other until all of this hurts a little less.

So for Baby Loss Awareness Week, for everyone who is hurting, and for all the lights that burnt bright, for however long; I am sorry, and I am standing here, right where you are, or where you have been.

Sometimes we lose things, and we don’t know why
You were a seed, a pip, a bean, a star
You were special and loved but couldn’t stay
You were ours, and we were yours

I think of you at night and again when I wake
I think of all you should have been and I feel sad
I think of everything we wrapped up in you, in who you might be
I think it isn’t fair, it isn’t right but that it happens; sometimes we lose things

You were a brother or a sister, a dream and a hope
A sober Christmas, a spring bump
You were a life and you were loved
You were there, you were part of me

I touch my scars and feel your absence – you lost, me empty
I am sorry things weren’t right, I am sorry we lost, I am so sorry
I will see you in autumn, in full trees and a bright breeze
I will miss you and I will love you

We will hold each other tight and grieve for you
But we won’t regret the hope, the excitement or the love
It was still real, and so were you
It’s just sometimes we lose things, and we are so sorry we lost you

 

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40 thoughts on “Sometimes We Lose Things

  1. That is so beautifully written. I just wanted to give you a big squeezy hug and let you know that lots of us out there understand your pain lovely. It never goes away but it DOES get easier. Whatever you feel is right, just deal with it how you need to, not how you feel you should. Much love xxxx

    • Thank you so much, so kind of you to take the time to comment and it is good to hear that it does get easier. We will be okay, I know, but do feel very sad. Thanks again and very sorry for your loss x

    • Thank you so much Emily-Jane. In a strange way it helped writing it down and acknowledging what has happened. Easier I think than pretending all is well. Thanks again xx

      • I found the same when I wrote about having PND. It was hard to write but a relief to get it off my chest as I always felt I was hiding a big secret. Xx

      • I remember that post, it was very brave and honest. I think that’s it, if I’d had to hazard a guess about how I would react to this, I would probably imagined keeping it to myself. The reality though, for me, is that I don’t want to hold it in or for it to be a secret; if we don’t speak for this tiny little life, who will? And I think that with most things it’s a case of better out than in (as I tell my son after every burp!) Thanks again xx

  2. I too will hold my children a little longer and a little closer tonight because of your beautiful words. I am in tears just trying to imagine how you are feeling and what it took to write this. xxx

    • Thanks Jenny. It has actually helped writing this and giving myself permission to feel so sad, and I know I am so lucky to have my little boy. He definitely makes this that bit easier to cope with, even though it highlights what we have lost. I really appreciate your words xx

  3. Beautiful words. Thank you for sharing. We lost a baby 5 years ago now, and it is easier. Thank you for the opportunity to remember him , this moment, with love.
    Love to you and yours. Xxx

    • I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby, Ruth. I am glad it has become easier, and I am glad you still remember, too. We know we have to move forwards (eventually) but we don’t want to forget either. It is such a strange, mixed up time. Thank you so much for sharing this, and wishing you much love right back xx

  4. I am so sad for your loss. I saw your beautiful bump on line last week. And now as a mother, I want to somehow halve your pain but all i can say is, dear mother, may your little one always burn bright. May your body heal and your broken heart flutter again. You have been touched by beauty and now need to find adversity in such a painful moment in your and your family’s life. Tread gently. Softly and kindly.

    • Thank you, what beautiful words – they are very comforting. I was early in my pregnancy so no bump yet, but do still feel a physical void. It is a sad time but I will tread softly and kindly as you say – thank you x

  5. Beautiful words, as always lovely lady. I feel so, so sad for you to be to be going through this. Thinking of you and sending you lots of virtual hugs xx

    • Thanks Jenni, I really appreciate it. I think (in a very weird way) this is helping as it’s drawing it all out and I guess it all needs to come out. I hope you are okay too – you have enough going on yourself so don’t be worrying your pretty little head about me young lady 🙂 xx

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there too and found that what helped was acknowledging my feelings for what they were – grief. This poem is a beautiful tribute and I’m glad that writing it and sharing it has helped you a bit. xxx

    • I’m really sorry for your loss as well Maddy. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am feeling my way in the dark of course but I definitely agree acknowledgement and not putting on a ‘brave face’ is the best way to go xxx.

  7. I’m so so sorry for you loss. I can’t imagine what you must be going through but I hope you have lots of hugs and love around you at this difficult time and just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. This post is so beautifully written. Thank you so much for the very lovely comment on my post x

    • Thank you x
      I have lots of love around me thanks and am so grateful for what we do have.
      I hope so much that your journey goes well, I know it is a scary time. If you do want to ask anything, feel free to shout (not that I’m anywhere near an expert!) x

  8. Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt poem. It made me cry. Im sorry for your loss. Thanks for being so honest and trusting us with your story. #binkylinky

  9. So sorry to hear you’ve been through this. I can’t begin to imagine what you must have been through. This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing and for linking up to the #binkylinky

  10. What a beautiful, moving and extremely accurate poem. I hope you continue not to feel as though you have to just power onwards. You deserve to grieve. I am very sorry for your loss.

  11. I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine how you are feeling. This is an incredibly beautiful and moving poem. I am glad that writing it has brought you some comfort, and I hope it continues to do so x #Prose4T

  12. Such a moving, brave and honest piece. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, but thank you for sharing. I’m glad it has helped a little. Thinking of you lovely lady xxx

  13. I am so sorry you’re going through this. My first pregnancy ended up being ectopic. Post-surgery, one of my “friends” said, “Oh, at least you didn’t lose a real baby.” In her defense, she had never had a miscarriage, “real” or otherwise.

    And until you’ve been there, you can’t grasp the insane mix off feelings that such a loss causes. I wish you weren’t capable of grasping that mix, but I’ve never met someone who expressed said mix so eloquently. Thank you for saying what I never knew how to say.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss too and thank you so much for your comment – it is a horrible thing but there is comfort in connecting to someone who knows how it is, I really appreciate you sharing.

      What an awful thing for your friend to have said (although I appreciate it was misguided.) I feel the exact opposite and this irrational guilt that solely because of me we have lost our baby who was doing what it should, just in the wrong place. I know there is no sense at all in thinking like this, and I know the pregnancy wasn’t viable because of it but I can’t shake it. I’m sure time will bring more acceptance though and I am a bit of a jumble at the moment.

      Thank you again, this was really kind of you.

  14. Beautiful. So sad. Big hugs for you. It hurts a lot, and for a long time. I don’t think it ever goes away, but that’s ok. Give yourself time and space xx

  15. So absolutely beautiful. I felt – and associated with – every single word. I am so sorry for your loss. The hurt stays with you for what could have been but time does help. Big hugs to you lovely and thank you for linking to Prose for Thought xx

    • Thank you Victoria and I’m so, so sorry for your loss as well. It is really helpful to hear things get easier, from one who knows. Big hugs to you, too xx

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