Milestones of Motherhood

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Is your baby as advanced in house-wrecking as mine?

Is your baby as advanced in house-wrecking as mine?

When you have a baby, everyone – from your parents, to your friends, to your Health Visitor, to the Grandmother in the park you have literally never laid eyes on before want to know all about your baby’s milestones.

Do they crawl?

Can they pull up to stand?

Are they walking yet?

How many teeth – only 3?

Can they speak? How many words? Are they clear?

Are they sleeping through? How many hours?

Can they fetch their own milk from the fridge? I see… still so dependent.

Milestones seem to matter way more than they should to a lot of people; the obsession with the time they take to achieve them actually being a bit peculiar when you think about it. I’m yet to see a crawling 10 year old, or a teenager still supping milk from a Tommee Tippee bottle so I am not sure why there is such a rush to keep moving to the next stage.  But it matters, apparently; as if it didn’t, how would one Mum notify the others that her child was more intelligent, advanced and a better species of human than every other small? It would be chaos!

However whilst all the stealth boasting and competitive parenting is going on, there appears to be no recognition for the milestones and firsts we as parents are achieving. Some big, some small but all of them valid – even if they don’t get recorded in the baby book or checked at the Health Clinic.

How many of the Top Ten can you tick off?

1. The first time your baby gets sick in your face.

2.The first time your baby does a poo in the bath and you react by squealing ‘What do I do? What do I do? No don’t touch it, it’s not a toy! What do I do?’ Your baby does not answer.

3.The first time you go out in the car to drive the baby to sleep… in your dressing gown… at 3 a.m.

4.The first time you squirt breast milk on to a stranger – accidentally, of course.

5. The first time you sing The Wheels on the Bus in a crowded surgery waiting room, complete with actions and dancing to calm your post-jab baby who has a serious axe to grind.

6. The first time you eat a takeaway curry over your sleeping baby because you are too frightened that removal from your lap will wake them. Impressively, you only spill a little rice on their head.

7. The first time you expose your nipple to the postman. You are not actually breastfeeding but in your sleep deprived state, forget to put the old girls away.

8. The first time you put the cheese in the cupboard, the salt in the fridge and microwave the bread instead of toasting it. It had been a bad night.

9. The first time you and your partner both have a ‘Where is the baby? Is there a spider in the crib? How did the baby get in to the drawer?’ freak-out in the middle of the night because your tired and anxious first-time-parent dreams have synchronised.

10. The first time you realise you no longer have any dignity, just a desperate desire to stop your baby screaming, and will do any of the above, a hundred thousand times over if it comforts your precious little bundle and gives you even just a moment of peace.

Have you achieved these milestones yet? Don’t worry if not, some parents are just more advanced than others. You’ll get there, you will get there.


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36 thoughts on “Milestones of Motherhood

  1. Yep, yep and yep. Although I didn’t spill curry rice, I don’t eat curry, mine was chocolate. Harder to remove without waking her so I just left it there. *shame*

    • Haha! Yes, as if you would ever risk cleaning a sleeping baby, sometimes I daren’t breathe. At least chocolate smears smell nicer than curry ones… No sweet smelling Johnson baby in our house!

  2. Ha, these are great! Although I can’t believe I’ve never flashed the postman, am such a rubbish mummy. Will aim to rectify that first thing Monday!

  3. Hilarious. And: score! I have ticked all of them off, although it’s taken me two kids to get there. Do we get bonus points for the face-sick actually landing directly in my husband’s laughing mouth as he gleefully (at first) threw the baby in the air straight after a feed? Ahh, memories.

    • That just made me laugh out loud! It’s moments like these that need to be captured on camera – such a big achievement for both your baby AND your husband!

  4. Fab post! I walked around with my boobs out so much for the first month I’m surprised I didn’t flash the whole neighbourhood (though, maybe I did, I was pretty sleep deprived!).
    Also, are we psychically linked? Because I also wrote a post on milestones being annoying yesterday! Cray cray! We should link them somehow… I have no idea how to achieve this.

    • Oh that is so spooky! And weirdly enough I was just about to have a proper look at your blog (found you through Mumsnet and your fab Night Garden piece. Actually even spookier, I have a stop-start post pending on Cbeebies and the bloody tombliboos!!) I remember thinking with my newborn that there was literally no point in ever putting my boobs away, so I didn’t really 🙂

      • Ooh, proper look away my dear, the Night Garden post has had a really good response, I’m chuffed! Look forward to you CBeebies post. Just don’t get me started on Waybaloo! X

  5. Awesome post! I looved it. These milestones are more like our exam! You didnt make your baby learn to clap, wave, stand dah dah dah!!
    Reading this post was a breather! Thanks!

    • Thank you! And yes, I totally agree. Our babies are pre-disposed to move, smile, stand, wave – it doesn’t mean they – or us are genius’! The milestone obsession drives me crackers!

  6. Lol, love this post – classic milestones of mummyhood although am obviously a bit slow on the development front as haven’t quite ticked them all off. I haven’t flashed the postman (yet!) but have a wonderful photo of a rather uncomfortable looking Father Christmas bending over Jessica’s hospital cot her first Christmas – had been expressing and it wasn’t until after he left that I realised in my eagerness to photograph this moment, I hadn’t remembered to put my breast away, lol!

    • Ha ha ha, this has really made me laugh! To be fair, I think flashing Father Christmas far trumps flashing the postman so extra points to you. Good luck in ‘achieving’ the rest! 😉

  7. Love it! I’d completely forgotten the waking up in the middle of the night clutching the bunched up duvet panicking that I’d lost the baby or fallen asleep feeding her and squashed her.

    • Thank you! Oh yes, it’s just awful isn’t it? I found it impossible to stay awake during long feeding sessions and then would give myself such a fright, not knowing if I’d put the baby back in his crib or not. My husband is so much worse though (even though he wasn’t doing the feeds,) even now he still has freak outs, often waking me in the process… grrr!

  8. Hehe this made me laugh. Sooo true! I remember the first time z poo’d in the bath I panicked and did the “what do I doooo” frantic dance 🙂 I then made the other half pick it up. Z looked very confused!

    • Thank you! I bet there are a lot more than 10 by the time you reach teenage mothering! I look forward to it (sort of!!)

  9. You made me laugh! I can’t say I’ve achieved all that many of the milestones though (somehow I don’t think it makes me sad…)

    Have fun parenting xxx

  10. Love love love these!! You are so right too about everyone’s reactions and attitudes to milestones! Love the 3am dressing gown in car moment! Not yet had that myself but I went to Maccie D’s really early in PJs with babies in back – I was so hungry! Great list! #TheList xxxx

    • Thank you! Ooh Maccie D’s in pjs with babies should be number 11! Why haven’t I done this yet?! Maybe because my husband used to pick one up at least once a week after work in the early days!

  11. I just laughed out loud at no. 6, Ive definitely (still do) do no.5…along with twinkle twinkle and old macdonald. Really put a smile on my face

    • Thank you! Number 6 was very common here in the early days, and yep, do number 5 on a regular basis with a similar choice of song to you!

  12. Ha ha! Most of these ticked off here. There are the real milestones! 🙂 Thanks for linking up to #TheList x (It would be great if you can include mine or Hannahs link, so it clicks through from the badge, thanks!) x

  13. I used to often wake up panicking about where the baby was with both my boys. Sleep deprivation does crazy things to us.

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