Tiny Insignificant Motherhood

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Motherhood

Just Motherhood

This thing, how I spend my days, it’s just motherhood, that’s all. It’s nothing amazing and it has all been done before. This strength, this mountain, this winding road – they are what they are – just motherhood.

They say not to lose yourself in motherhood, but I have. You’ve changed me, little boy. All I am and all I do leads back to you, directly or otherwise; and the line between being me and being your Mother blurred the moment I met you. Or maybe a few hours later – the first moments were mostly filled with ‘wow’ and ‘ow’. You and your beautiful big head.

You’ve altered me wholly and left me lost for words. You and I are just tiny insignificant beings – yet tall like trees, limitless like oceans and exceptional to one another. My heart is splashed across our cuddles on the sofa, echoed in your belly laugh, written in the books we read together, impressed upon the changes to my body.  It is everywhere that you are.

But it’s just motherhood. It’s nothing new.

Our connection cannot be shaken, doubted or questioned. My love is big, unreasonable, unshakeable, unfathomable. It is the only thing I know to be completely free from condition. You fill my heart and fill my head and in you I find strength, endurance and love. All this love.

I realised early on that motherhood was hard. It wasn’t the post card I had sent myself and it wasn’t a glossy magazine. This was the practical side though. When there aren’t enough minutes in the day to keep afloat of everything, or when I am bone tired and must count my sleep in minutes.

But the rest – the rest of being your mother – it’s easy, isn’t it? You are so easy to love, to please, to be with. Every day with you I make mistakes, and then often, I make them again. Because I am tired, because I am distracted, because I am not perfect.

It doesn’t seem to bother you though does it? You just keep on keeping on – noisy, demanding and happy – it’s enough for you. For now, we are everything and everything is enough.

So over time, gradually, I am letting myself acknowledge a bit more of the important stuff, letting you and me just be. Beneath the routines, the meals, the clean-ups, the illnesses, the tears and all the questions that knock half-heartedly on my head about development, diet, language, play, independence, behaviour… Beneath it all, a new me is emerging. I am beginning – and only beginning – to understand what it means to be your mother.

And I know that to many it amounts to very little, because when people do things every day, they lose their impact and importance don’t they? Or even if they don’t, we perhaps pretend they do. I’m just a Mum. I’m just looking after my children right now. I’m just performing the most important role of my life – even when I don’t want to.

Some people go out and change the world whilst I’m lost in our little one, but that’s alright with me. I know these ties that bind us will loosen over the years; life will progress and stretch to way beyond our front door and little town, just as it should. So I’m surrendering to these times where you need little more than me, and embracing the small space we have carved out for ourselves in this brimming, busy life. I’ll enjoy just being a mother because whilst raising our little boy may not be world-changing, for me it is life-changing. If that’s what I look back on, that’s really okay. Motherhood is big and bold enough for me.

In my attempts at motherhood so far, I have learnt about me, and your Dad, and our whole family too. I’ve learnt that I need to be so many different parts of a person to be your mother and it is remarkable to me, even if it isn’t to anyone else.  I’ve changed, I’ve grown, I’ve regressed.  I’ve realised that I can be fierce and determined and unashamed. I’ve recognised that I can be completely wrong and a total nightmare. But I’m your total nightmare, all yours.

So it’s okay if motherhood isn’t enough for others, being your mum is enough for me. Because you see, I know it won’t be too long until my part in your world grows smaller and smaller still. And that will be good, right, healthy and painful.

We’ll have our days apart and I’ll miss the occasional bed time and such. But basically, you’ve got me little one – I’m here. Through our humble adventures and the small, magical moments – I’ll be right beside you. Watching you lean, then lead, then leave.

I guess that’s just motherhood, and it is big and it is extraordinary whether it’s been done once, or a million times before.

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54 thoughts on “Tiny Insignificant Motherhood

  1. This is beautiful! Really hit a spot. “may not be world-changing, for me it is life-changing” You put everything perfectly.

  2. So beautiful. It’s amazing that you can see now, while it’s happening to you, what many mothers won’t see until they look back on this time.

  3. I’m a mother of twins with a husband that works 7 days a week long hours and sometimes I can’t believe I’ve made it through to them being two years old. It’s often hard to imagine that anyone else understands the crazy mess that goes on inside my head. This post literally hit the nail on the head. So beautifully written too. It’s made me happy and I want to thank you xx

    • Thank you for such a lovely message. Looking after twins – and mostly by yourself – you are amazing! It’s a crazy mess that goes on inside my head too, I’m glad I found the words to try and explain it as I’m rarely able to understand myself. I’m so pleased it has resonated with someone else also, so thank you as well x

  4. Such a stunningly beautifully written post Yvette! It’s true motherhood is a beautiful paradox: so many hardships but not one single regret. Xxx

    • Thank you! Yes – such a paradox. It may in part be ordinary and every-day but it’s always special, regardless of the tough stuff x

  5. I went back on so many parts because I want to read the words again cuz they are just spot on. You are great in this blogging about your emotions so dont stop =) #binkylinky

  6. This is a lovely post; full of emotion and insight. Beautifully written and it does remind us all to just stop and take stock of this crazy, madcapped world of motherhood which is the most beautiful thing in the world!
    Popping over from #MBPW

  7. A great, heartfelt post. I can definitely identify with what you are saying. My little one’s arrival has changed my perspective on life and changed my value system. Things which used to be important are now insignificant. He is the real centre of my world now.
    #binkylinky

    • Thank you. When we can (which isn’t all the time!), I agree it is so good to take note of what’s going on in our little worlds 🙂

  8. Your words ring so true, and how beautiful you sum up motherhood so well, especially the part about being a mother being enough for you (even if it’s not enough for others). Well done!

  9. I can see I’m echoing what your other readers are saying, but that really is beautifully written and very emotive. Lovely. From ‘just’ another Mummy xxx

    • Thank you – what a lovely comment. I am glad that’just’ being a mummy is special to so many others, too x

    • Thank you. It’s nice when we can acknowledge what a big thing it is we’re doing. I feel I’m a better person for it too x

  10. Its a beautiful journey isn’t it. There are bad times but its the most incredible thing that had happened to me as well =) #mmwbh / #brillblogposts

    • Yes it really is. Totally agree there are hard times and glamorous it isn’t, but the amazing bits really are just that 🙂

  11. What a beautiful post! Yesterday I was wiping poo from my non-nappy-wearing toddler and I literally muttered the words “oh the joys of Motherhood” but I wouldn’t change it for anything! Thanks for linking up! #MMWBH x

    • Thank you! It definitely isn’t all glamour is it! But as you say, you wouldn’t change it and there is (thankfully) lots of lovely to make up for all the poo-y parts! Thank you for hosting #MMWBH

  12. This is one of the most touching, beautiful, comprehensive accounts of what motherhood feels like. The immensity of it all is the culmination of the smallest of moments because unconditional motherly love is immense, life changing, all consuming. It’s the biggest love of all and you lady write like a dream and have captured it all. So glad to have found you and your blog. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x

    • Thank you so much, what a lovely, lovely comment. Yes you are so right – the smallest moments build into something huge right before our eyes – it’s the every day and the constantness that create all this love and magic. So glad to have found your most ‘brilliant’ blog too – and I really appreciate the support x

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