Dear CBeebies Boss Person,
I appreciate that being in charge of something so important means you must be very talented and work extremely hard. Either that or you’re knocking off Mr Tumble. Regardless, congratulations.
With that in mind, I don’t wish to tell you your job. I am but a humble parent, who relies on your channel to get me through some dark times – literally – as my son deems 5:30 AM an acceptable time to wake. So firstly, please begin CBeebies before 6, to save me and thousands of others having to do anything drastic like communicate and entertain at such an ungodly hour. Thank you.
To be clear, I really do appreciate what you are bringing to the table, and I also understand that your programmes are meant to be loud, bright and annoying – I do.
I’m not going to complain about the headaches or the abysmal songs that get stuck in my head ALL day and make me want to commit crimes. I understand that they are not for me, they are for the little people. The ones like my son, who, despite the awful lyrics and poor to limited vocal talent, turn catpoo crazy for your little ditties. It’s all a bit U certificated voodoo really, though perhaps less sinister. So, they’re fine by me because I’m a thoughtful parent. Or at least one who needs enough time to sellotape her eyelids open, down a mountain of tea and throw stuff at bowls in the mornings.
However. Boss person, there are some things, some things that just aren’t right over at Beebie Palace. And, as one who cares about your future – (how will I parent my child without TV?) – I feel it imperative that I raise some issues as a matter of urgency. The main problem is around character development; particularly in light of the fact that these “people” are acting as role models for the young of our society. There’s a lot of weight on your shoulders you know, so I would consider these issues carefully if I were you. I may be just a frazzled mummy, but I do have insight and knowledge. Or I’m just riding high on coffee and pro-plus; I don’t even think I know anymore.
The following shows contain my most urgent irritants, mainly because that’s all I can force him to watch at the moment. The rest of the time we are busy with imaginative play and sensory development to correct the damage television is doing to his personality. I do these things because I’m a good parent – one who definitely knows what imaginative play and sensory development is – and who isn’t just using buzz words to sound like I’ve got it sussed.
Anyway, this is the junk I may possibly be a little over-involved in:
- Doctor Juno does not realistically reflect the workload and pressure placed upon medical professionals. Whose shift begins at 10 AM? She has a worrying work ethic – breaking into song is all very well – but what I’m really after from my Doctor is a diagnosis and some drugs if I could just get your attention for a SECOND please.
- Also, I actually wouldn’t call it ‘so exciting in the hospital’ – rushing blue lights tend to signal a medical emergency in my experience – not a cue to waltz around singing a merry little self-effacing tune. Get back to work.
- Granny Murray is literally THE most annoying character that ever was. Ever. Why is her knitwear selection so limited? Is she paid for all this child minding and dog sitting? Can she do both? Are Ofsted aware? Why does she live with a mannequin?
Her use of honey-pie is offensive, as is every single thing about her.
Oh and FYI – sitting down is NOT an activity.
- Ginny – is he one of Baby Jake’s many siblings or is he in fact – a tree? He thinks he’s a tree! He lurches around the living room, every day, his arms imitating branches (impressively I must say), and sits down to dinner still dressed as a tree. As a tree! What the dickens is going on here? Please tell us more as a matter of urgency; after a thorough and sensitive psychological assessment has been carried out, naturally.
- Baba Pink, Blue, Orange; whatever – this show needs to be shot – please. It is condescending to one year olds, really. I’ll wipe the bleeding cobwebs from the moon myself if you just make it stop. And if you could do so by ‘nightingdom’ I’d be ever so grateful.
They basically need to hop on their sky train and bugger off!
- I know we’re all meant to love Postman Pat who was part of our own TV childhood, blah blah blah. But the thing is: he’s a damn chump. Incompetent, arrogant, unapologetic. And really – let’s be honest – shouldn’t be trusted with a helicopter or the royal mail. Jess would do a better job, and I think may well be mewing for his retirement. You have the power to make it happen. Special deliver this loser his P45 – see what I did there?
In The Night Garden
- The Tombliboos are alcoholics, yes? Highly functioning ones may be (they keep their slides immaculate), but you do know that you’re normalising, and knocking back that volume of Pinky Ponk juice is not normal?
- Is Igglepiggle meant to be portrayed as sexually obsessed? Deliberate developing storyline or actor improvisation gone awry? Were you aware he pinched Upsy Daisy’s bum as they sauntered onto the Ninky Nonk recently? It happened, I bore witness. And I just think it’s important that you know – no matter how many sponges Makka Pakka cleans him with – he’s always going to be dirty.
I look forward to hearing back from you on the above matters, and thank you in anticipation of your proactive approach. Please be assured this is not just for my benefit, it is for everyone: cast, crew and parents alike. Oh, and kids too, they’ll definitely be pleased as well, or not notice. I can’t quite call it.
Big Trouble’s Mum
who knows she should really get herself a life
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