I am writing this somewhat reluctantly, but after verbal attempts to negotiate broke down without resolution, I am left with little choice. I have been in your employment for over 18 months now, and whilst I enjoy my post immensely, a few changes to my contract are required in order for me to attain some work / life balance.
I wouldn’t usually take a formal approach to this kind of thing, but it can be tricky to hold a sensible conversation with you. You regularly laugh in my face when I am trying to express my dissatisfaction with something you have done, and I find your interruptions – usually involving a request to sing or provide food – rather rude when I am in the middle of making an important point. Continue reading
Like many excited soon-to-be Mums, I read the baby books and daydreamed naively about how perfect life would be with our new bundle. Sure, we would be tired, but we’ve been tired before – it’s no big deal and it’s only for the first few weeks anyway – right? I would nap in the day, exercise, bake and of course, go out and about and offer baby plenty of play and stimulation – easy.
When my son came along though, we appeared to be working from different manuals, and looking after a baby really wasn’t quite what I expected, or had been led to believe. Continue reading
Despite being unable to brief our eggs or sperm on exactly when to meet, the debate rages on:
When is the right – and best – time to have a baby? From the time of year to the time of life, most everyone has an opinion. I see it crop up regularly; in the media, on blogs and forums, and amongst family and friends. I have partaken, I have listened and I have accepted that timing is, of course, the most vital thing. Not the everything-changing child itself you understand, the timing is what really matters.
For starters: you should definitely not have a baby in any of the following months (you have been warned):
This thing, how I spend my days, it’s just motherhood, that’s all. It’s nothing amazing and it has all been done before. This strength, this mountain, this winding road – they are what they are – just motherhood.
They say not to lose yourself in motherhood, but I have. You’ve changed me, little boy. All I am and all I do leads back to you, directly or otherwise; and the line between being me and being your Mother blurred the moment I met you. Or maybe a few hours later – the first moments were mostly filled with ‘wow’ and ‘ow’. You and your beautiful big head.
You’ve altered me wholly and left me lost for words. You and I are just tiny insignificant beings – yet tall like trees, limitless like oceans and exceptional to one another. My heart is splashed across our cuddles on the sofa, echoed in your belly laugh, written in the books we read together, impressed upon the changes to my body. It is everywhere that you are. Continue reading
Can you have a relaxing day with a baby?
Short Answer: Most definitely not, you loser.
Long Answer: Well I doubt it, but I couldn’t say for sure – I guess I’ve never properly tried… It would be amazing if it were possible.
- One tired and frazzled Mummy
- One adorable and feral infant
A messy house, with all doors and windows barred. Or, to comply with Health & Safety, perhaps just closed. The participants are to be observed in their home environment in order to test the proposed theory accurately and, to truly relax, must stay indoors. DUN DUN DER! Continue reading
Five things it is essential to know about raising a baby*
Getting down to business
*Not really that essential at all
- It is easier to open a packet of cakes than make a sandwich. Especially one handed (you do it with your teeth).
- You won’t enjoy every moment. Bask in some and just try to get through others. You’ll recognise which is which, though the first usually involves a smiling or sleeping baby and the second – poo on the carpet and exhausted crying from you both.
- The kitchen floor isn’t dirtier than it used to be, you just notice it more now you are not at work. Stop looking down.
- Takeaways are your friend. Don’t judge yourself, even when you drop a bit of peperoni on your sleeping baby’s head
- If you’re worried about a lack of a dirty nappy from your baby, just run late for a Doctor’s appointment, strap them in the car seat and lock the front door. The poo will follow immediately, and will most probably be up to their shoulders.
Is your baby as advanced in house-wrecking as mine?
When you have a baby, everyone – from your parents, to your friends, to your Health Visitor, to the Grandmother in the park you have literally never laid eyes on before want to know all about your baby’s milestones.
Do they crawl?
Can they pull up to stand?
Are they walking yet?
How many teeth – only 3?
Can they speak? How many words? Are they clear?
Are they sleeping through? How many hours?
Can they fetch their own milk from the fridge? I see… still so dependent. Continue reading
Once upon a time, on the edge of the city, in a land pretty much like everywhere else, there lived a Mummy. From the outset, she was a pretty ordinary Mummy, with scruffy hair and a wobbly tummy. She spent her days tidying her house, but it was never tidy. She spent her days feeding her baby, but he always needed feeding again. She spent her days drinking her cup of tea, but it never got finished. She spent her days rocking her baby to sleep, but he never slept enough. She spent her days trying to do other things too, but they never got done.
One day, the Mummy was out with her baby, at a bright, magical place called the supermarket, and they were having fun together. Her baby laughed as she pulled a silly face and blew a raspberry at him, and he punched her in the head with delight and bit her cheek with happiness. The Mummy had everything they needed in her trolley: Nappies, wipes, rice cakes to stop her baby from having a meltdown, and chocolate buttons for when they didn’t work; plus essential things every Mummy needs like coffee and red wine. Continue reading
If you’re happy and you know it…
Go to bed; don’t pretend you don’t want to.
OK, I will go. I hope the baby sleeps tonight, he drank all his milk, the temperature is right and I said a prayer. I bet he will sleep. I’ll just do some reading.
GET THE HELL TO BED
Already? Throw me a bone here, baby.
Calm down, it’s just your light sleep rage. Your body can’t handle a 90 minute interruption, or something. Shush, pat – see, he’s back asleep. It’s fine.
Alright, it is fine for now, please be fine Continue reading
I am writing this for your own good, for our own good really. I know you don’t think you are an idiot, which is kind of one of the main issues, and why I have deemed it necessary to take action. You actually seem to fancy yourself as a bit of a smarty pants with your time saving ideas, stupid lists and unrealistic expectations. But let me be clear, you are a fool. And it’s about time someone told you – other than your husband, who we both know rarely gets a fair hearing.
So here you / we are, bumbling along, and it’s all going pretty well you know. We have a nice life, a loving family, great friends and a roof over our heads. The child we always wanted is here, throwing his weight and love around in equal measure, filling each day with laughter and also with screams, slaps and poo. Continue reading